When kids want independence

Mommy's baby no more.

"Mom, we will go swimming on Saturday and please don't go with me," our "baby" declared last night. Taken aback by her first "declaration of independence" (of sorts), I replied "but you don't know how to swim, darling, what if something happens to you?"

But she insisted by reasoning out that we allow her Ate to go swimming or go to birthday parties unchaperoned. "And mom, there's a kiddie pool anyway," she assured me.

Suddenly, it dawned on me. Oh, my baby girl. She's really no longer a baby. Few weeks ago, she asked me to stop calling her "baby." I insisted, "but you're the family's baby!" She relented a bit and said, "okey, you can call me baby only in the house. And only until Grade 6." Not a bad deal. Haha!

Our kids are indeed entering into a new stage in their lives. They now have minds of their own. Truly, it is high time that we step aside a bit in their lives and start teaching them more about responsibility.

Lori Radun, a certified life coach and inspirational speaker for moms, gives tip on teaching kids about independence and responsibility.


Encourage Independence by Refusing to Step In
When your child reaches an age to take on an age-appropriate activity, show your child how to do it, then let go and let your child struggle. It can be hard to watch children fight with their shoelaces, or stumble over their words in a new friendship, but it is in these moments that children are learning. The joy they feel when they gain a little more independence can be very rewarding, and a strong motivator to try new tasks in the future.

Believe in Your Child
Children need to know you believe in them. Encourage your children with positive words such as, "You are a smart girl. You can figure this out." Teach your children to think positively about themselves by modeling this behavior in yourself. The Little Blue Engine didn't give up and the reward was confidence. Confidence builds on itself, and your child will gain greater self esteem when you encourage independence and responsibility.

Build in Life Skills through Routines
Routines give your child practice and repetition. If, for instance, the after school routine includes putting away the lunch box and coat, having a snack, and doing homework, your child learns responsibility as a way of life. If you want your child to have good personal grooming skills, build brushing hair and teeth, and washing face into a morning and bedtime routine. When a child does the same thing over and over, he learns independence without even thinking about it.

Let Children Fall Down and Experience the Consequences
Resist the urge to be a helicopter parent and hover over your child. Life is full of opportunities to succeed and make mistakes. The lesson is reinforced and learning takes place when children are allowed to make mistakes. If your child makes a bad choice, let him experience the natural or imposed consequences. A "D" or an "F" on an exam sends a very clear message that the child needs to study harder. The effect is not the same when you are hounding your child to study so she doesn't fail. When your child makes the choice to extend his curfew by an hour, he loses the privilege of going out the next weekend. Guaranteed he will think twice before staying out late the next time.

Coach your Children towards Independence and Responsibility
When your child is faced with a future or past decision, ask a lot of open ended questions that encourage your child to think for himself. "What do you think you should say to your friend?" "What could you have done differently in this situation?" Giving advice teaches your children what you want and what you think is best. Coaching your children supports them in developing good decision making skills, and honoring what is best for them. It's okay if they don't make the best choice. Live and learn.

The goal in raising children is not to protect them from pain or undesirable circumstances, but to equip them with what they need to be responsible, independent and resilient adults.

To borrow from one of my favorite authors, Francis Kong, "Grow up, parents!"

Happy Birthday, Star!

Back in the home front. Today, Star turns 8. Our baby is another year older. I miss the days when I can carry her like a huggy bear. She's always been on the heavy side and so very cuddly indeed. Oh, how time flies! It was election time when I found out I was gonna have another baby, and how it sparked controversy in my former office. Ano, buntis ka na naman?" People would ask me, as if it was hard to imagine a married woman getting pregnant for the third time. And I wasn't even the "top baby maker" in the office.

Among the reporters though, I was the highest pointer, so to speak. Knowing I always had difficult pregnancies (all three kids were premature), my bosses probably foresee I'd be gone again for another 48 years. And true enough, shortly after covering Erap's inagauration at Rizal Park, I experienced bleeding and had to be confined for three days.

Because the previous two pregnancies were between 27 to 32 weeks, the doctor advised me to go on complete bed rest until after the second trimester.

Finally, Star came out this time 8 years ago -- a heavy weight at 4.4 kilos. And to think she came out a month before her due date. Her dad was with me to welcome Star. And how she cried! UHA-UHA-UHA! She had the biggest voice in the world!

We already called her Star even when she was still in my tummy. Her Kuya would talk to her, telling her how excited he and Ate were to play with her. He would tell her stories and tickle my tummy.

Shortly after I gave birth to Star, I tried to apply Kuya Ben and Ate Pia at UP's Child Development Center. But as fate would have it, they didn't get the much sought after slots, instead Star got in.

So it was, Star started going to school by June of 1999. She was barely six months when she was admitted at the Infant Development Program of UP-CDC. Practically, all her life, Star has been in school. Yet, she didn't seem to tire. She has always been enthusiastic about school.

We see her growing up to be a conscientious and strong-willed child, yet obedient and God-fearing. She's so passionate about things. As her teachers say, she lives up to her name -- she is a star. She loves it when I repeatedly tell her she's the prettiest girl "in the whole wide hand of God." (It's her terminology. "Hand of God is bigger than the universe," she tells me. She's right!)

We are so blessed to have Star in our lives. While we weren't really prepared to have another baby, I always tell her I can't imagine life without her. We've learned so many lessons from Star. She is like the child Jesus describes in the Bible -- pure in heart.

Happy birthday to our favorite bunso!